Tuesday, December 9, 2008

the white rabbit did it



nor did Alice think it so VERY much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself, `Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!' ..

Thought it was a dodge when bloggers said they were just too-too busy to post. Uh.....I've been really busy :)
Day off tomorrow, so will try to catch up!!



Friday, September 19, 2008

The concept of beauty

Don't worry---I promise not to dissolve into a dissertation about how women are unfairly judged on their appearance from birth 'til death. Just an interesting occurence today while during a conversation, one of my bosses (the female one) said, "I bet you were pretty," referring to "way back then," whenever that was supposed to be, and obviously commiserating in the "fact" that this was no longer the case.

Instead of coming out with the appropriate response of "I'm pretty now, bitch," I bit my tongue and gave her a quick talk about how I never defined myself by my looks, be they good or bad. Doesn't mean that I am unaware of the impact, or lack thereof, or of the views of society---just means I am so much more than that.

Not many will believe this, but where physical attributes are concerned, I never see ugly people. I see people who are considered unattractive and truly, honestly don't think that in my head. It's like thinking that there's an ugly animal, when how can any animal be ugly?? They are what they are, and humans are too. Is someone worthless because of extra pounds, a scarred body, missing or diseased parts, no hair? Do we, or all species, have a built-in barometer of like-ness that narrowly defines the parameters for living within that species' community? Sounds nazi-spooky.

I have read where albino animals are often initially ostracized and excluded, but if memory serves, they are often accepted after time. We fight against many biological urges and drives all of the time---and that's where learned behavior must kick in.

Though my mom (and dad) died in 1992, on this day that is her birthday, allow me to thank both of them for teaching me the true meaning of acceptance.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Praise for children's book

"How Gimble Gopher Tortoise Found A New Home"
Go. Read. Buy. Tell.

Bambi interrupted








Why are all the deer out foraging today in the mid-afternoon heat? someone asks.




Because the prairie turned a bit of a whore today in allowing a "duathlon" to trample its tender trails early in the misty morning, sending the natural inhabitants scurrying for cover. I am ashamed for those who made this decision---what part of "preserve" did they not get?

Monday, September 1, 2008

chicken wings with t & a

I once heard someone say that the true measure of equality was when a black man was allowed to fail. In other words, he could fail simply because he was just another human being, and not have it blamed on his being black.

On the same train of thought, I suppose I should look at the Republican's female veep nomination as a measure of equity in that she is just another ultra-conservative, evangelical, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps asshole, and it has nothing to do with her being female. Not.

The prevailing perception about how Democrats need to battle her "softly," because it will appear too harsh an attack on a "woman" makes me urp. It lets me know that double standards are still firmly in place, and that females remain quite willing to use whichever trait proves most expeditious (and yes I do admit that this is a response born of necessity---but may not serve us in the long run.)

I want to take them all home


When the latest storm lashed through the prairie, there was a little less lash and a LOT more water. Electricity went out in most of the park buildings and we closed for a couple of days. Since I am a no-work no-pay employee, I was happy to see that the old horse barn, which is half-barn, half office/storage, did have power, and I made my way there to catch up on an old filing project.

Sporadic bands of drenching rain and high winds were still bustling through, and from the safety of the stalls (horses not in there...they are safer in the pasture) I watched as a very sudden squall descended upon the cracker cattle. I thought maybe they would sit, or go under the pole barn, but the entire herd made a startling run toward the fence, their backs to the now sideways rain. I realized without the fencing, they would have made a bee-line for the wooded area at the edge of the pasture, where trees would have afforded some relief from the stinging rain. But they were stopped, and there they stood, silently enduring.

A couple of the calves sought and found protection on the leeward sides of their mothers, and I even saw several adults gather closely, shielding this one or that one. A youngster couldn't settle, looking confused--not a baby, but not experienced enough to handle it himself. I urged him forward, though he could not hear me, nor would he have understood, but he finally lined up a little better behind some adults, and stood fast.

It was over in moments, and in only a few moments more, the entire herd had moved almost out of sight to the acreage hit first by the squall. Made sense.....if the storm came from that direction, then presumably to them it was going away from there. Though there might have been one or two old enough, most of this herd had not experienced the repetition of circular bands of hurricanes.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

sex...and I do have one

after all......it is midnight at the prairie, and quite the enchanting hour.

Fascinating debate between two of us at work (who are at opposite ends of political spectrum, me being progressive left and him being....well, you know) about what you could say to a young girl nowadays to actually make her stop and think about having sex at such a young age. I gave a flowery speech about teaching little girls to respect themselves first, etc. etc. but began to think about what it was that made me not have "actual" sex until I was 21. Okay, I was brought up in a different era, but it was 1971 and the sanctioned freedom to have sex was a reality.

I had desired sex from a very young age (more on that in my other blog), but never acted upon it save the heavy "making out" that we did in junior and senior high school---I often believed I ended up much more frustrated than the boys. It wasn't that I wished to be a "good girl" because even as a youngster, sexuality was such a huge part of the inner me, I never saw these desires as making you "bad."

What I realized was that I had been privy to enough male-male conversations about girls to be taken aback by the ugliness of their content. It was rarely flattering, even when the girls in question were smart, beautiful, loving and seemingly everything they desired. I developed a huge fear of being disrespected or humiliated or fooled like that---I knew that sex was so integral to me, and the thought of it and me being the butt of a joke was enough to stop me every time.

(btw...when I did have sex for the first time, it was with the abandon of galloping horses----I happily chose it, and it was exactly what I wanted. The key word being "I." At least it happened, and continued to happen in scenarios of my choice, design, and control. Therefore it ultimately did not matter what any man thought or said. (yes, yes, this goes in the other blog as well.)

So my conservative friend says, "well, that's exactly what morality is made up of.....fear and consequences." I chewed on this for a minute. Actually, lots of minutes. I knew I didn't agree, but for the life of me couldn't be clear as to why I thought so. Certainly biblical teaching, certainly parental teaching, but it seemed such a shallow interpretation of morality. He obviously believed that morality is dictated to you by a higher power......my sister believes that morality is simply the choices a collection of like-minded humans make that provide them with the most comfort and safety, and thus surrounds them with more like-minded humans, and not believing in that particular kind of higher power, I like her idea much better. But voila, that, too, is rooted in fear and consequences.

I always thought it was simple equation, and the closest I could come to description was a version of the Golden Rule. How hard could it be to tell when you were hurting others, when you yourself knew what hurt was? And then I watched decent people do bad things, and I was back at the drawing board, as each one had made the definition of hurt so subjective. And why? Fill in the blanks: ____ & ____________.

Rats.

Okay, then...scare the crap out of 'em, put the birth control pills in their orange juice and condoms in their Hello Kitty purses. Maybe we can pretend that self-centered is the same thing as self-respect. Or maybe self-preservation is amoral?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

hit and run


returning from opening trail gate, picked up small box turtle from highway after someone's car had obviously hit it---shell was severely broken in several places and he was bleeding. I was shocked when he moved his head so ran him over to vet near park. Vet & husband take care of many turtles at home, but he was so badly injured, and I know very much in pain. Don't yet know outcome, but at least he got another chance, even if slight.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

You can't eat honor

The aforementioned humiliation at change of job duties is no more. Because the job is no more as of end of August. Not to be dramatic (me?) but I was promised by the head man himself a job through December, and a few days later they had simply changed their minds, saying the schedule wasn't to their liking. Of course, they had all that info when the promise was made. I've already worked through most of the anger, but a deep feeling of disappointment in people as a whole remains, and it colors my view in a way that will be hard to erase.

Still foolish enough to accept yet another part-time position (I have two part-time positions...the other one did not change knockonwoodthankluckystars) in another location....alas, 44 miles round trip, and I have no idea how I can afford that. But job is better than no job. The "new" manager is quite splendid, so there's always hope. Maybe. With progress like this, I should be living in the gutter by retirement age.

Should I have taken up my ex-lover's offer a while back when he offered to pay for unencumbered bjs?

Nah. I only do that for love ;)

Monday, August 4, 2008

they shoot horses, don't they?

Don't misunderstand---for 99% of the time, I am delighted with visitors to "my" prairie. But every once in a while we get a just desserts situation that is pleasing to our nature-protective souls. Two young men had come to visit the day before yesterday to check out the terrain in prep for bringing (and supposedly impressing) their girlfriends. Ignoring a face-to-face warning from the staff, they came face-to-face with being locked in at an inner gate closing time. Left there only for three minutes, they wailed and made all sorts of excuses when let out.

So you can imagine the wonderful irony when they returned the next day, girls in tow, and scampered out onto a trail which traverses half the prairie basin, and found four wild horses on the return path. Most visitors would be thrilled, as this is not a regular occurrence, but this hysterical kid called the station stating that the horses were "attacking" them and they wanted someone sent right away. Telling them to calm down and not spook or throw things at the animals, and they might have to wait a few for the little band to move on seemed to upset him further, so I promised some assistance. It was only minutes, but he called again in greater distress, saying they had to retreat around the bend on the trail, and someone needed to come.right.now.

The FUN part is that it was the same staff member as the day before, who, incidentally, knows horses domestic and wild like the back of her hand, and who was able to casually stroll through the horses to "rescue" the people like a (wait for it) walk in the park!! She was professional and nice to them, didn't gloat, and explained that the horses would not have hurt them had they just walked around with little fanfare. A true Kodak moment, and I would not have been so kind.

I shudder to think what their reaction would have been to the bison (who will charge if they see fit) or an alligator (who usually won't, but who likes the spot it picked and can be reluctant to move.) I think we should have told him about the dozens of moccasins who love to stand their ground as long as they can see you. Maybe he'll think twice about returning.

Youth doesn't entitle you to condescension, and I get easily fed up with people of any age being nasty and expecting niceness in return because "we pay your salary." Hey, bend over and I will shove my college degree up your ass, as that's the only place you seem to park your head. If you have no respect for what you have supposedly traveled to see, I'll give you a map to Disney F. World, where you will feel very much at home.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Self-definition

Though my father was a university professor, I was taught as a little girl to never judge anyone, especially myself, by my job. All work was good work, including my mother's "job" as a homemaker. So imagine my surprise today when I felt what I urgently hoped was a transient humiliation. The other half of my aforementioned job is a desk one, but one that was creative, fun, and best of all had flamboyantly flexible hours. That ended July 31st.

The reason I am still there is a an agreed upon transition in job duties, which will keep me there until early December only. Beggars-choosers thing. Several months back, I had declined an opportunity to move up from assistant when my boss left---a good decision at the time, since there was no indication my job would cease to be funded. Now my duties are rote, my hours locked in (as well as my butt) and I must complete the training of the young girl who did take my former boss' job. At first I was grateful to still have a job, period, but as the day wore on, and I was sticking labels on files, answering the phone, getting a true feel for what I would no longer be doing, the day wore on me as well.

Okay, I'll get over/past it, and I need to worry more about finding something else by December to compliment the weekend job, not wallowing in what could have been. It was just a tough few hours, and for just a few seconds I was a hot-faced little 2nd-grader, embarrassed in front of the class by a small-minded teacher who could not resist pointing out my booklet-stapling error. I had edged toward the door, all prepared to run out and up to the protection of the principal's office. (sounds odd, but him I knew and liked) She moved to the door, and I didn't have the guts to push past her.

Well, I'm not 7 now, but 57 and I need to get a grip. Just low on "chipper," and for some reason I have begun to understand why some must make a beeline for the local bar at quitting time.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Work?

I work in a place of pre-dawn clarity: Exciting swamp and forest sounds, deer with dewy mouthfuls of budding shoots, bugs more tiny than pinheads or bigger than fists. I am so happy I almost sing the litany of breathing. Then as it does, the tree crashes down, the swamp is silent, the coyote takes the fawn and the spider the bug. Prey & predator reverse roles and reverse roles again. I know this is what is, but I never get used to it. Flawed design.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Closure not

Though I have come to understand that people want it, especially after a tragedy, I never believed in the concept of "closure." Seems too convenient, and seems to give permission to walk away from people, problems and events that are messy or troublesome as if they were disposable. I do believe that these people and problems can come to occupy a different space within you, but for that to truly happen shouldn't they be dealt with and integrated?

"Closure" will most likely return to bite you in the ass.